Friday Quotes!

"Jesus, are you trying to fuck her or set her on fire?"

"Sometimes they take too much batting practice and they leave their leg in the net."

(whispering) "I don't want a Mormon to cut my hair."

"I hate those metal core dudes with their eye liner and shaggy hair and tight jeans doing stupid kung fu kicks in the pit."

"What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber toothed tiger?"
"I don't know, but you better keep it away from my ass."

"small kids who swear are my kryptonite"

"Why is it coming up with pictures of women when I put in 'chest hair' and 'gold chains'?"

"There's a lot of assclownery afoot."
"They have a great brunch over at the AssClownery."

Linnea Quote

*singing* "Idea... I have an idea. I have an idea."
"What's your idea?"
"I'm singing until it comes."

Guest Posting! Wednesdays' Weirdos: Sleazy Mexican Cowboy

This guest posting brought to you by my brother, SpeedMetal.

It's Sunday morning. Several years ago. I'm in the grocery store. It's early. So early you shouldn't be doing anything at all let alone shopping for foodstuffs.
Then, I see him.

It feels like a dream. I rub my eyes and he's still there. Hollywood screenwriters don't have the imagination to create the character standing before me. He's about 5'4". A white ten gallon hat sits atop a head of greased ringlets of shoulder length black hair.

His porn-stache framed mouth nervously flicks a toothpick back and forth as he scans his surroundings.

Is he in a singles bar or the checkout line I wonder?

Then I take note of the rest of his outfit. I'm not sure what's more blinding, the cheap gold chains or the mostly unbuttoned shimmering gold satin shirt he's wearing.



Either way it compliments his skin tight red Wrangler jeans like you wouldn't believe. This monstrosity of an outfit was topped (or bottomed) off with, you guessed it, snakeskin cowboy boots. It was so surreal I took the best mental picture I could and swore to never forget him...

The Sleezy Mexican Cowboy.

A Slight Tendency for the Oppositional

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush.

Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Friday Quotes

Friday Quotes: The Game.

Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can.

There will be awards for most correct, funniest guess, and dirtiest lie.

1. "I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face."

2. "More on this turmoil as I make it up."

3. "My favorite part of the henna experience is how your hair smells like, to use a British term, 'fag ends' for a week. Fag ends and teabags."

4. Status update-"...thinks some women have accessory babies just so they can be MILFs."

5. “After Daddy kissed Snow White on the cheek, she awoke from the evil Queen’s spell, completed her education, and began her medical practice with the celibate man she met as a resident. And they lived happily ever after, just down the path from Prince Daddy. The End.”

6. "My nipples are like the sensational confetti of my body!"

7. "What the fuck, Karin? I spent the last 15 minutes fuckin with everyone's plants."

8. Correction/Addition to last week
"Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."
"Ha, if someone blew it up, it'd be a dam shame."

9. "It smells like grampa took a dump in this elevator. No one should be in here for 35 to 45 minutes."

10. "And what was your point?"
"I'm a woman. I don't have to have a purpose to speak."

11. "He's outa here and that's fine with me."
"Wait, aren't your ovaries all aflutter? You wanna make babies, why is that good?"
(As waiter gives us our food.)

12. "Will you look up a word for me? Its p-a-n-a-c-e-a."
"That's the landmass with *gestures fingers intertwining to show altogether*... wait, that's pangea." *hangs head* "Yes, I will."

Fun with Foreign Languages

I love foreign language. Its a fun game for my brain. Thing is when I play games, I play for fun. So here's some fun that's happened whilst I've studied and made an ass out of myself in several languages.

1. Today in Spanish we sang and translated the lyrics to La Cucaracha
La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marihuana que fumar.

Translation:
The cockroach, the cockroach
Can't walk anymore
Because it doesn't have, because it's lacking
Marijuana to smoke

Ss-s-Spare-a-juana?

2. In Chile when I first began studying Spanish, we were given a worksheet for homework. Each number gave a noun and a verb. Your job was to take them and make a sentence. Number 19 said, colon, descubrir. Meaning, Columbus, discover.
Having never heard Christopher Columbus referred to by his ACTUal name, I looked up the uncapitalized colon. It said colon.

My response to the question:
Si tu buscas el colon, una doctora descubre el bajo de estomago.
Translation:
If you look for the colon, a doctor discovers it below the stomach.

Of course I was called on to read my response to Number 19. It was met by many confused looks and my beat red face.

3. In high school German class, we were often assigned to work in groups and write dialogs that we then performed in front of the class. On this particular occasion, we were to write a dialog about school supplies and the beginning of school. My group wrote a rivoting dialog where the main character's life hung in the balance. What could save this dashing gentleman you might ask? An eraser. The word for this was Radiergummi. We, for some reason, thought for certain we'd heard a shortened version as the correct translation: Gummi.

Our performance began. The class sat on the edge of their seats. When we gave the final line "Hier ist eine Gummi!" Our teacher turned a wine color and glared at us.

Us-"What?"
Frau Wolf "You know!"
Us- looking around "Huh?"

Gummi is slang for condom. Like Rubber.
Our hero had his solution, but explaining ourselves was more complicated.

Have foreign language fau paux to share? Please comment!

Friday Quotes: Last week's answers

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'."
Jon Stewart

2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day."
Meghann's friend

3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.”
Random chick in DU's bathroom

4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?"
Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa

5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.”
Heather

6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.”
Karin

7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.”
Brianne

8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork."
Karin

9. "Cheers to boozie Izze"
Brianne

10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?"
Heather

11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell them where we're going as part of the surprise."
The Meghannest

12. "Do you have a fake Facebook account?"
"Yeah, its hangin' out with my fake gmail account I use to check my fake google calendar. Do you want to be my friend on my fake Facebook account?"
Bri and Karin

13. "Getting tattoos makes me horny."
"And that's how you make Brianne leave."
Heather and Karin

14. In Parking Lot at Keystone
A "Spare-a-juana?" (to passersby)
B "Nah man, good luck with that."
A "S-s-Spare-a-juana?"
C "Yeah man, I might have some spare-a-juana."
D "There's a pocketfull of pebbers in it for you... Wanna take a ganjala ride with us?"
C "Why yes. Yes, I would."
Demian, Stranger, Karin

15. "Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."
Demian and Dean

How to Bug Your Spouse, Part Deux: Siblings

So I met a kindred spirit who also lives to annoy: Brianne's brother Justin. He spent the evening, Saturday night, hugging her with a shit-eating grin of sinister intent. Her response: "Don't touch me." A wise one since he, apparently, is prone to picking her up over his shoulder and holding her over the balcony. Might I mention they're both close to thirty.

Justin and I swapped a few methods. He shows up at her house at 8 am to poop in her bathroom. I plug my husband's nose as he's trying to brush his teeth.

Then later, I find out what Justin's big, shiny, red button is.

Brianne and Brad (her husband) were out to dinner one night and Brad mentioned something about sex. Justin immediately threw a fist full of spaghetti in Brad's face.

Don't worry, I was not deterred.

Me, "Wait, Justin... Isn't your mom all super open about sex? Isn't she the one that gave Brad and Brianne all kinds of sex toy stuff for an anniversary present?"
Justin "I JUST MET YOU and your already talking about my MOM!"
Me, giggling about to push his giant gleaming button, "So does this mean you don't want me to tell you about Brianne's sex dreams?"
Justin, "I hate you."

So much for kindred spirit. I just one the biggest bastard award. Little did he know, I have a similar button... Thankfully my brother and his wife only hold hands.

Friday Quotes! The GAME

Introducing
*drumroll please*
Friday Quotes: The Game

Apparently people play this game in their heads when they read this anyway so here's your chance to make it interactive. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can.

Let the Games Begin!

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'."

2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day."

3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.”

4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?"

5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.”

6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.”

7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.”

8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork."

9. "Cheers to boozie Izze"

10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?"

11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell them where we're going as part of the surprise."

12. "Do you have a fake Facebook account?"
"Yeah, its hangin' out with my fake gmail account I use to check my fake google calendar. Do you want to be my friend on my fake Facebook account?"


13. "Getting tattoos makes me horny."
"And that's how you make Brianne leave."

14. In Parking Lot at Keystone
A "Spare-a-juana?" (to passersby)
B "Nah man, good luck with that."
A "S-s-Spare-a-juana?"
C "Yeah man, I might have some spare-a-juana."
D "There's a pocketfull of pebbers in it for you... Wanna take a ganjala ride with us?"
C "Why yes. Yes, I would."

15. "Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Leg Cast Affectionado

Sometimes I read a site called The Beautiful Kind. Its a sexual blog written by a friend's sister. The blog is very well done, and the subject matter, for me, alternates between a train wreck and masturbation content. I never know what's going to be on there. This last week was fetish week.

Now I HATE feet. I joke that I hate feet so much that I grew this tall to get away from my own. So I read this week often with a tinge of fear I might find details about applesauce covered toes or pudding on someone's soles. In the face of my fears I read on. Instead of toe jerky though, along came a fetish you just couldn't make up. Leg casts. Yup, TBK interviewed a guy with a leg cast fetish.

I'll say that again, a Leg. Cast. Fetish. Earning him this weeks' Wednesday's Weirdo: Leg Cast Affectionado

For more info, head to her website. There's a link above.

Escalante Concedes to Obama

When I woke up en la manana I found this news



The beloved Animosity Party did not make headlines!

Then I fell over in my tracks when I found this "gop" party had. Why would a party that rhymes with cop and sounds like a toddler noise make news when the powerful Animosity Party did not?



Did you see all those signs? And not a single Escalante '08!

Further incensed I decided to eat in effigy the man who'd defeated me!



I realize that I must concede. We must be one nation united under this Obama. We'll be an Obamanation for the next four years, I concede. But I will keep an eye on it.



And in four years, when the country again comes together to vote on gay rights and savings accounts for school districts, I will eat the eyeballs of anyone who does not vote Escalante 2012!



Good luck Mr. Obama. If the Great Escalante has anything to say about it, there will be an Animated Animosity Annulment to your plans in 2012!

How to bug your spouse

Think its fun to annoy your husband, wife, boyfriend, girl friend, partner... who am I leaving out? ... whatever. Running out of ideas?

This works especially if your significant other has younger siblings. Take your index finger and wipe it across basically any part of them. They will immediately think of bastard-little-brother wiping a booger on them and freak. Also pushing them over on the bed when they're folding laundry or licking your hand and saying "Oh no, The CLAW" are good activities.

Can you tell I'm a younger sister?

What's wrong with me that I think this is so amusing?

I might mention I started the day today with Rob dancing around elbows out singing through a kazoo at me.

Also in trying to figure out if I should write bugger or booger, I determined the difference. Bugger can be used like "aw did you see that cute little bugger?" or it also means to sodomize. I guess I knew that but never quite put it together that way. So you're dried mucus must be spelled "booger," unless you want it to fuck you through your nose's back door.

Friday Quotes

"Wow. Now I want to get an applesauce enema, shove chopsticks under my toenails, and kick a wall. Unless this post and all the comments are a joke?"

"My dick is so hot its stolen, your dick look like Gary Coleman"

"Who will teach the disabled to shoot guns if not you, Heath?"

"I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases:
"Oh, your manliness is so manly."
"Smack my rump."
"Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates."
I'm hot already."

"When dressing to travel by air, it's helpful to think of yourself as a mental patient."

"Karin? Wait is that the pooh girl?"

"You have really good parenting skills, especially considering you don't have any kids of your own, you know? I thought I'd give you an actual compliment instead of all those back handed ones I usually give you and then hear about later from someone."

Big Blue Dick

So last night when they called the election, the bar did not have champagne. The bar tender told me that he'd let me bring some in from the liquor store though. So off I went and bought as much cheap champagne as we could carry. We popped the cork outside and I passed the bottle to strangers and friends alike.

One woman got a snotty look on her face and said
"I am NOT for Obama. We're going to have more buildings blown up now..."
me "Well Fuck you with a big blue dick then!" mumbling now "maybe you'll relax then."
from background "Hope is stronger than fear!"

Obama!!!!!

The news leaks first
and then pours
the tears are in everyones' eyes
and screams of triumph
in the streets
and we are not a race
but a country
as the white flakes last on my lashes
and drip down my cheeks
loved ones call
who used to say
"bi racial children will be picked on"
they were right
and now one has the power
to defend
to protect
to lead.

Big Nipples

I received a voicemail from my brother today informing me that my niece, the absolutely gorgeous 2 year old Ms. Linnea was walking around the house with a pot lid on her chest saying, "Look at me! I've got big nipples!"

Fuck you's: Special Edition

Fuck the real world. I smite you.
Fuck the cat walking on the center of my boob in the middle of the night.
Fuck political ads and their bullshit dramatic, breathy voices.
Fuck pro and anti ballot initiative ads that have NO actual useful information in them. Stop wasting money you fucks!
Fuck gray afternoons that result in NO snow for my ski season. That's right I just called it MY ski season.
Fuck not being able to check my email at work
Fuck drug testing
Fuck drug addicts
Fuck the lumping of all drugs, all drug users, and all drug addicts into one horrible scary evil category.
Fuck periods.
Fuck parents that hit their kids.
Fuck even harder, the fact that some of them don't hit them hard enough to allow us to help. What kinda fucked up...grrrr
Fuck turn signals, just cuz.
Fuck Sarah Palin, in a very uncomfortable place.
Fuck Main Street
Dickslap Wallstreet
Fuck socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else.
Fuck anyone who thought privatizing social security was a good idea, in your FACE!
Fuck payday loan companies
Fuck ACRONYMS
Fuck being wrong
Fcuk shopping (get it?)
Fuck garlic burps
Fuck whoever comes up with sizing for women's clothes, you schizophrenic asshole. No wonder I can't figure out if I'm fat or thin.
Fuck any designer who chooses dry clean only fabrics. Knock that shit off!
Fuck weird Summit County radio stations. How can three stations have found so much just below mediocre music I've never heard before?
Fuck road construction.
Fuck grimy gym floors when you're barefoot.
and fuck skinny people who don't even exercise.

Feel free to add your own fucks to the list. Trust me, you'll feel better.